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Replies and
feedback below
When first entering the salsa world, we think
how romantic and gorgeous these great dancing, sweet smelling, sexy, shy men
are.
Soon we find that the shyness is just a cover for poor English or a part of
their act to play on women.
All kidding aside, non suspecting women can be and have been hurt.
These men enter the salsa clubs looking for women who are innocently looking for
great dancing and hopeful to meet a romantic loving man for a meaningful
relationship.
Unfortunately, many men are NOT looking for the
same thing. Here is a typical scenario some of you can relate to:
...You didn't even see him coming... he sweetly lures you onto the dance floor
to capture the last part of the great salsa song. All the while as he is staring
into your eyes with his half smile, you think, "Oh my God, this great dancer
wants to dance with me!"
The song ends too quickly and he holds you to dance the next one. You excitedly
stay and dance another. He brings you in a little closer and you feel him brush
against your face and body a few times. Innocently part of the dance, of
course... Or so you think.
He asks who accompanied you to the club. When he finds that you are not with a
man, he compliments your dancing and how beautiful you are. You are flattered
and say to yourself, "I think he likes me"
He either hands you a business card at that point to offer you special private
lessons because you are so talented and/or gorgeous. Or, if he is not a
professional instructor, he will tell you he is looking for a serious dance
partner and would like you to be his new practice partner.
Once you meet him outside the club, the trouble begins. Most likely, if he is
not married or living with a girl, you maybe one of the many girls he has
stringing along as his supposed "practice partners".
If he is one of the rare few that owns his own car, he will meet you at a dance
studio and greet you like you are the love of his life. After a short while he
is telling you that you are so irresistibly sexy, that he cannot hold-out any
longer, he must kiss you.
He will treat you like a queen until he gets you into bed. Then it all changes.
Sound familiar? Women beware. The salsa world is a fun one if we are educated
about the happenings and all the games and scams going on.
Hopefully this series will shed some light and be a guide to some of the
heart-breaking, insulting cons and betrayal that can happen.
-- Josie Neglia, August 2002
More on this at LatinDance.com....
PS Ladies and men; if you have a story and would like to anonymously tell
others, write to Josie@latindance.com.
Your name will never be revealed.
.....................................................................
Men in Salsa.. Women Beware (Article 2)
This article may
contain shocking content. Special information was contributed by
Los Angeles Sex Therapist Martha Gemeli
This is the second of an ongoing
series of articles about our fun times and the possible dangers in the salsa
club.
The
last issue got
a huge response from both men and women.**
I would like to start this issue
by stating that there are "good" men in the salsa clubs too.
These "salseros"
(male salsa enthusiasts) do have education, morals, and respect for women.
These articles are addressing the "other" men - the men that are hurting women
with their deceit, lies, disrespectful behavior and dangerous tendencies.
Let's look at the childhood and
background of some of these scary men...
...they are one of many children, most likely raised by a single mom in a
poor neighborhood and/or on welfare.
Fathers are either abusive,
cheaters or absent; therefore the young boys never have a good role model to
learn love, commitment, responsibility or respect for women.
If they have not been sexually abused, they have their first experience with a
woman when their brother, uncle or family friend takes them to another state
(or across the border) to lose their virginity with a prostitute.
Therefore,
their concept of sex becomes simply: genital contact with a total stranger,
resulting in orgasm, and then run as fast as possible to another state away
from her.
Unfortunately, this vulgar
concept becomes the norm in terms of their sexual thoughts and behavior with
women. They see all attractive woman as just "genital pleasure" with no
emotional attachment.
This is why it is easy for
these guys to mess around with so many females and not feel any remorse.
They learn that "sweet
talk" and "false shyness" makes them more appealing and non-suspecting to
women, thus using it for their 'game'.
There literally is a keep-score
game with some of these guys in the clubs. Pointing out, counting and
boasting about all their sexual conquests to their competing buddies is a
usual dialog amongst these ill-behaved men.
Does this shock you? It is a
harsh, sick reality. Just ask some of them about their childhood and you will
find out it is true.. if they admit it...
More on this next issue....
-- by Josie Neglia
** I will post
the feedback to these articles on my website
www.latindance.com in the near future.
...................................................................................
Men in Salsa.. Women Beware (Article 3)
Men in Salsa
Woman Beware
Article 3
This is the third of an ongoing series about the shockingly dangerous
happenings in our favorite salsa clubs. As a world known salsa professional
for eleven years and having thousands of students through my
videos and my travels, I feel a sense of responsibility to inform and educate
salsa enthusiasts about every aspect of this great Latin dance form.
When I first started salsa in 1991, I loved the atmosphere in the Latin Clubs
so much more than the average Disco or Dance club because the men were
friendly and were not arrogant or too proud to ask women to dance in a polite
and fun manner. Although I had many propositions, I went fearlessly to the
Latin clubs, week after week, and danced with some of the same gentlemen for
years without ever knowing their names. It was all about the dancing.
In
the past 2 years, living in LA, this generation of salsa dancers has
experienced a dramatic change in morals from the days that I first started.
The dancing aspect is the same, but the stories I have heard from women and
men about the behavior of some of the male dancers, has shocked and
disappointed me.
Groping women on the dance floor, coming onto many women in one night or even
cheating on their girlfriend are not the issues that I am addressing. This
disrespectful behavior has
always been and always will be. I am writing about much more serious
issues. In the past year alone, there have been three murders (two of
which women were murdered), several rapes
and cons where women's lives have been turn upside down and have suffered
devastating consequences. This is happening in our clubs!
When I reported last issue about the profile of some of the offenders that
women should be aware of, many men were writing back vicious, insulting responses
to me as though I was bashing men and hurting the salsa scene that I love.
The insults were written in sarcastic and facetious tones, but I believe that
if these men knew the details behind my warnings, it would not be such a
humorous issue.
The
offenders are and not only the average social dancing guys scoping the clubs
for their next victims. There are famous salsa pros that are some of the
culprits in this degeneration of morality and criminal behavior.
The
problem is that women are keeping it too quiet and being tormented and
victimized in private. They tell a few friends but never come forth and
attempt to put a stop to these few offenders because of their shame,
humiliation and fear of being ridiculed and rejected by all the fans and
followers of the felonious salsa celebrities.
I
am taking a stand to put an end to the silence and opening up the possibility
that we will bring back the fun and safe atmosphere that allows all women and
men to celebrate and enjoy this incredible Latin dance. Many women have come
forward and told me their horror stories of their experiences and although I
will never publish names, I will do my best to educate the new and naive women
entering the salsa scene so that they can hopefully avoid being a victim to
these criminals and at the same time let these male offenders know that we
have our eyes open and we will speak out.
Salsa has been my number one passion for eleven years. It is the greatest,
most sensuous, exciting Latin dance in the world and the magic that can be
created on the dance floor when I dance with an incredible male leader is the
ecstasy that keeps me addicted all these years. Let's not allow a few
selfish, nasty individuals to ruin our experiences that bring so much joy to
our lives.
--
Josie Neglia
back to top
_________________________________
|
Crime Report
As many of you may know
by now, Gisselle Rojas, a salsera in the Los Angeles area
was taken from us on June 12 in a grizzly murder. The
prime suspect is her ex-boyfriend, Edward "Juanito"
Santana, who according to authorities has fled California.
Gisselle was very close to Liz Lira and everyone who
surrounded her. We're trying to do everything to gather
information about the alleged killer, Juanito Santana.
Juanito was a prominent salsa goer in the LA area and
we're hoping that as many people possible see his face so
as to improve the chances of finding someone who knows
even the smallest detail which may help the authorities.
Please pass along the word and this webpage address.
Santana may not be in the Southern Calif. area, but
someone is bound to see him in a salsa club somewhere.
Donations to the family
can be sent to :
Guiselle C Rojas Memorial Fund
c/o Robert L Goldstein,
Attorney Law offices of Robert L Goldstein
225 Bush St Suite 1600 San Francisco CA 94104.
-Website
Administrator
|
Wanted for Murder
|
|
|
SANTANA, Edward
Also known as: Juanito Santana, Juan Santana
Male hispanic, Age: 51
5-07, 169 lbs, blk/brown
Scars: back of neck
Vehicle: 2000 Silver Toyota Camry, CA
license #4NNY927
|
| The victim,
Gisselle Rojas (39 yrs, Pasadena resident), had recently
ended a relationship with Suspect Edward Santana. Victim
secured a restraining order against Santana in mid-May,
2002. On the night of the incident (June 12, 2002), the
victim had returned home from a date. As she walked up her
walkway she was attacked by the suspect, Edward Santana.
The suspect then stabbed the victim to death, leaving her
body on the front lawn.
Suspect Santana is an
avid "Salsa" dancer who frequents clubs and
studios which offer Salsa dancing. It is likely the
suspect will seek out these establishments in the area he
has gone into hiding. A warrant for the arrest has been
issued for Suspect Edward Santana.
Attention: SERGEANT R.
GARCIA or DETECTIVE G. BIEHN
File Number 002-08363-0590-011
Phone (323) 890-5500, Fax (323) 887-1160
L.A.S.D. Homicide Bureau, 5747 Rickenbacker Road, Commerce
90040
|
_________________________________________
Man
Shot, Killed At Popular LA Dance Club
The Conga Room was opened in
February 1998 and has hosted a long list of Latin music stars,
including Tito Nieves, Jose Feliciano and Chucho Valdes. Press
articles posted on the club's Web site list actress Jennifer
Lopez, comedian Paul Rodriguez and musician Sheila E. as owners.
Oct 18, 2002 10:00 am US/Pacific
(AP)-(LOS ANGELES)-A gunman
shot and killed a man inside a popular Latin music and dance club
co-owned by actor Jimmy Smits, police said.
The shooting occurred about 11:45 p.m. Thursday inside The Conga
Room, located in the city's Miracle Mile district. Police said
there were about 200 to 300 people inside the club when the gunman
shot the victim on the second floor and fled the scene.
The victim, believed to be in his 20s, died at the scene.
Police are also investigating a second shooting outside the club
where multiple gunshots were fired. No one was injured.
Police are unsure if the two shootings are related.
Many of you may have heard about
the shooting that took place at the Conga Room in Los Angeles
last night. According to the LAPD the gun man is still at
large. If you were a witness or have any information
whatsoever please contact the LAPD at the number
below:
Anyone with information regarding this incident is asked to
contact the Wilshire Homicide Unit at 213-473-0400
Below is the LAPD press release
http://www.lapdonline.org/press_releases/2002/10/pr02598.htm
Below is the KCAL news story
http://kcal9.com/topstories/StoryFolder/story_1545149427_html
__________________________________________
FEEDBACK/REPLIES
________________
In response to articles
"Men & the Salsa scene"
Well here's from my
experience; sad but true this is a copy of a letter I wrote to
my ex-boyfriend when I finally had enough of his impression of
the way to "work" the Salsa scene:
You warned me with the threat
that you would embarrass me and "slap me in
public" if you ever saw me dancing at any
"Salsa" club that you frequent.
This threat came from you to
me when we first started going to clubs to dance together,
which you detailed and specified with "ever see you
dance with another man, I couldn't handle it. I would
slap you."
Through a growing relationship
between us and while developing friendships with other
dancers, your threat to me grew to include "If I ever
see you at the clubs without me, I will walk up and slap
you"
I was certain I'd avoid that
type of confrontation being that I always complied with your
every requests and sought to behave to you in public always
in a way with which you expressed your approval (which often
meant me staring at the ground every time you thought a man
looked me in the face. But, you got what you wanted.
You intimidated me many times with your threats. I
can't believe I chose to respect you!
So, If you willingly cause me
any physical harm or distress via verbal claims from you
even idirectly, you can bet I will willingly indirectly and
otherwise cause the same distress to you. I mean,
don't you think women and other people who might meet you in
the Salsa scene should know that you threaten to and do
slap a female in public if she disobeys you; and of rude
opinions and gossip you spread about other dancers
(especially about the ones you pretend to befriend).
I'm not one to gossip but I'd just tell the truth. Are
you getting this yet?
I dance because I passionately
enjoy to! You won't stop me.
Readers:
In all honesty it took me a
while to get back to dancing. I just didn't want to
deal with his jealously and his temper. But I dance
for me. However good at it I am or not. I just love
it. But be smart and be strong ladies. This
one's at the clubs four nights or more a week!
To Editor:
Feel free to use any or all of
this letter -- I truely don't believe any of this is
incriminating, especially after reading your articles I
don't feel so pathetic or alone.
Thanks, Dizzie
Lizzie
_________________________________________
...I also wanted to share with you that I'm all into this wonderful institute
that I found out about called the Debbie Ford Institute for Integrative
Living. I'm going to become a certified coach in this organization and it's
so that I can help people heal themselves emotionally. It's doing wonders
for me and I really want to take it to others so that they too can heal and
start living the amazing lives they were meant to live. So there is hope
for those unfeeling and unthinking salseros whom you talk about in your
column. These men are in fact really wounded emotionally. They have a
sense of it but don't know where to begin to get a grip on their crazy
lives. I especially feel called to work with Spanish speaking people.
...
_________________________________________
Dear Josie first of all thank you for the article that you just
sent me but unfortunately some of the thing that you said are
not true with some men that go to the club's and i am one of
them.
i come from a single parent home live in a poor & rough
neighborhood but my mother God bless her taught me how to
treat women with great respect and with my aunt's and my cousin
alway's on my case when i was growing up in my young adulthood
they taught me to treat people especially women the way i want
to be treated i am not saying that this stuff don't happen in
club's.
Josie i see it all the time in the New York Latin
Club's and it also sicken me to see it for myself guy's like
that make it real tough for me to enjoy myself when i go to
club's and especially if they see me talking to one of those
jerk's who dose those thing.
I just go to enjoy myself i love to dance Salsa it is in
my blood (smile ) but this article only makes it hard for men
like me now especially with women who will read this i am not
a Marc Anthony or Victor Manuelle nor either a George Lamond
type of looking guy and some women are just going to club's
just for that instead of the joy of dancing Salsa. So i hope
that you some day will write an article on those thing especially the joy's of dancing Salsa (smile).
Thank you for your time and your patient Josie
( Siempre Salsaero )
_________________________________________
Yes, I am glad finally these men are being pointed
out. I am sorry to say but even
though my dance partner is not married, yet has kids. He sleeps around with women. Sick, to think that there are so
many diseases out there. I am sad to say but maybe, some body should point him out too. Although, some of
these girls aren't innocent either. But, most maybe young and naive. There are students who just want to
learn how to dance. But, get scared off when the instructor is putting moves on them. Sad. I have seen
it happened. And ladies' that I teach sometimes open up to me and I am very
surprised about what these guys
do and how they play women.
I have kept our relationship as professional as possible, we are strictly dancer partners. I glad
nothing ever happened between my dance partner and I. I will never
forget the advice you gave me when I was getting
started. This is still a hobby for me. But, life is strange and who knows what could happen
because after
all this how I pay my bills. Hey, I am only 22 what do I know. I might just give you a ring for more advice.
Salsa 101. Hehehe.. Thanks, again.
Take care and God bless!
_________________________________________
Dear Josie: Thank you for warning
women about the "players" out there. I had my heart
broken a couple of times by such cads so I developed a program to
weed them out. Maybe it will help other ladies avoid heart ache.
Please feel to plagerize/copy/borrow/edit at will. This program
WORKS, because it slows things down enough so that a man's true
character and motives are revealed, BEFORE we get physically
involved with them!
Thanks for helping women help
each other!
A San Francisco Salsera,
Connie F.
-------------------------------------------------
Hi Ladies: Well, here
it is, my program for keeping things slow and doing the "due
diligence"!
Since you asked, I have a whole
program on how I avoid too much focus on the physical. I guess
this could be sub-titled How to Date like a Lady :-), I had to
learn all of these as an adult through major heartache and
pain...It's hard to grow up in public! These steps will weed out
those guys who don't actually care about you as a person and only
want a quick fling or just want you for sex.
1. Don't be alone with them,
EVER! Go to the park, public places, etc. However, they can nail
you behind a tree if you're not careful! <name deleted>
kissed me the first time, on the dance floor, and it shocked me so
much I almost stopped dancing. So I told him, I was surprised by
your behavior and I don't like to kiss in public. Fortunately, he
had enough decency to be embarrassed and apologize. (This was an
example of me saying "no" and him respecting it) You can
tell by their reaction to your boundaries whether they are someone
you want to continue seeing. Watch their behavior not their words.
Do they actually stop doing what you don't like, or do they say
something nice and then continue the behavior, or even worse, do
they attack you?
*Note on boundaries: When you set
a limit, watch how they react. If they express their
disappointment, i.e. they say "I'm sad but understand/respect
your choice" this is healthy and respectful. If they try to
manipulate you, attack you, make you feel guilty, they are saying
"You're Bad", which is inappropriate and unhealthy. So
is it "I'm sad" or "You're Bad"? One is
healthy, the other is not. Watch, watch, watch. Only if someone
respects your "no" (your boundaries) and you respect
theirs, can healthy intimacy grow. That way, each of you can be
free to make choices based on your own free will, without being
manipulated or people pleasing. Manipulation, control, people
pleasing all lead to resentment, anger and the loss of true
intimacy (that is emotional/intellectual/spiritual intimacy, not
just the physical). Check out the book "Boundaries in
Dating" for more info.
2. Don't invite them to your
home, and don't go to theirs. If you do let them pick you up,
don't invite them in. Be dressed with your coat & purse and Be
ready to go. Don't show them your house, esp. don't show them your
bedroom. I went out with <name deleted> for a
couple of months before I let him come to my house. Especially
don't go to their house on the first few dates. You are much more
in control in your own house than in theirs. Meet them somewhere
in public, like a restaurant. When they drop you off, don't invite
them in.
Note on meeting: Especially for
the first few dates, the guy should make it somewhere convenient
for YOU. Don't go out of your way or make very easy for him to
meet you, he should be making it easy for YOU. If he asks where to
meet, say "I'm coming from...or I'm at..." and then SHUT
UP and see if he picks a spot convenient for you, or if he makes
it easy for himself. Take my word for it, a guy that makes it easy
for himself without regard to where you live or are driving from
will turn out to be a self centered, inconsiderate man.
3. After a while, when you feel
ready, you can invite them in. Again, don't show them the house or
esp. your bedroom. Let them wonder! Keep them in the living room
and keep the blinds open. If you don't want to kiss them, don't
sit next to them (like on the couch) Sit in a chair instead, so
there is physical distance between you. If you do start kissing,
and you feel ok about it, don't let it escalate too far too fast.
Get up a lot (to get some water, refresh your/their drink, go to
the bathroom, etc) This breaks the passion. After you get up,
change your position when you sit back down, like sit away from
them on the couch, don't sit right back down in the same position
or things will pick up exactly where they left off. The idea is to
kiss a little and talk a lot. After you sit back down, ask them a
question or something so some talk intervenes.
Wear clothing that is restrictive
(like they can't get their hands under your blouse if you are
wearing a dress!) Clothing can be armor.
4. Don't let them stay too late
(if they are in your house) Kick them out-you have an early
meeting tomorrow (even if it's just a meeting with your shower) If
you are at their house, so sorry, you have to leave- have an early
meeting or a big day tomorrow! Don't explain what the meeting is,
let them wonder!
Don't be an open book and tell
all-you don't owe them an explanation or your life story. Let them
wonder! Be mysterious, it keeps them intrigued. Besides, it's
really none of their business at this point.
5. Push their hands away from
anywhere you don't want them. They usually get the hint after two
to three times. Any more than that, tell them "If I don't
want (or feel comfortable) with your hands somewhere, I am going
to push them away" or "I'm not ready for that yet".
You having to tell them is in itself is an indication that they
are not paying attention to you or respecting you. Usually, you
SHOULDN'T have to tell them-they should get the hint. If they
don't, and you have to tell them, watch out, they could be either
aggressive or clueless.
Don't blame the guy for trying,
however, they should be able to try a little more, and you should
set the limits, and they should respect them. Just like kids, they
will always be testing the boundaries and rules. <name deleted>
actually asked me if he could touch me, that is very unusual and
respectful. (which one reason why I'm still going out with him!)
6. I let them know up front,
through various means, that I'm "Careful" and "old
fashioned". Sometimes I just flat out tell them that I don't
get (physically) involved quickly. That way, if they aren't
willing to be patient and wait, they can find someone else,
because we aren't compatible. I don't want to be involved with
someone who jumps in bed at the drop of a hat!
7. Above all, watch, watch, watch
them like a hawk. See if their behavior is consistent with their
words. Try to see them around other people and how they interact
with others. A guy that has another woman or is not sincere will
fairly quickly reveal his true colors, if you only PAY ATTENTION
and don't get swept off your feet!
8. Don't spend too much time with
them too quickly. Men fall in love easily and may want to see you
a lot at first. Don't go out every time they ask (if they ask you
for several times in a week or at the last moment). Be busy, you
have things to do even if it's going to a movie with a friend or
doing your nails. I don't go out with <name deleted>
more than 3 times in a week, and that's A LOT!!! and includes our
dance class/practice. See the book "The Rules" for more
info on this.
Remember, you wouldn't invest
your hard earned $$ in a company's stock without first doing
"due diligence" and reviewing the company's balance
sheet, income statement and earnings history, would you? Be just
as careful with your heart. But not too careful. You also wouldn't
leave all your money in a low earning checking account would you?
That's why I always say "yes" to any guy who asks me out
unless I absolutely can't stand him. I need all the practice I can
get-the more times I step up to bat, the better chance I have to
hit a home run. You must get into the game and play it if you want
to score. So, to earn good returns (or to find love) we must
always take a chance.
But we can make that a sober,
educated chance, not one that is simply wild and uninvestigated.
You wouldn't invest in a company simply because someone
recommended it, you would investigate & decide for yourself.
The idea is to slow down the physical part of it so that you can
get to see their behavior and character enough to decide if this
is someone you want to get involved with. Time frame has to be up
to you, but I think it takes between 12 dates to about 3
months to really begin to see the true person. Remember, we can
get laid anytime we want, but that's not what we're looking for,
is it? {If it is, why are you reading this?} :-)
Take what you need & leave
the rest, but all these steps have been carefully field tested :-)
by me, and they work!!!
If I had used even some of these
steps with <name deleted>, I never would have gotten into
the horrible heartache and pain that resulted. So they give you a
chance to see the real person without being so blinded by the
physical side of it (which can be very, very intoxicating and
powerful) so that you can make an intelligent and educated
decision.
These steps will weed out those
guys who don't actually care about you as a person and only want a
quick fling. Thus, taking your time can avoid a lot of
heartache!!!
Finally, you have to have the
feeling that you are a precious valuable person, a woman unlike
any other (or at least act-as-if). You are intelligent, educated,
smart, attractive, kind, evolved with a lot to offer. Any man
would be EXTREMELY lucky to get a date with you, much less start a
relationship with you or make love with you. When we feel precious
and valuable and treat ourselves that way, we do not allow others
to treat us like badly. We can show others how we want and expect
to be treated (set our boundaries) and if they cannot treat us
with kindness and respect our boundaries, why then we are not
interested because we are not compatible. Let them find some other
sucker! The sea is full of fish and the bait looks pretty good!
Those who refuse to settle
for less than the best very often get it. Remember, you are worth
it, good things come to those who wait!!
Your friend, Connie
_________________________________________
Your email almost reads as if you are only communicating with women, and some of us men take this as a form of male bashing.
I am surely not supporting this type of man whom you are
describiing, however, salsa is a very hot type of dance and it is going to attract men who are looking to exploit women sexually and women have to be aware of that this could happen anywhere, not just in a salsa club.
I find it amusing/amazing that this female exploitive behavior carried out by these salseros you are describing would be surprising since this type of salsa dancing with women caressing themselves and doing "sexy moves" as you say in your video are and can invite men to try and exploit these women.
My girlfriend, works in a restaurant and asked to borrow one of your
tapes (the salsa and merengue tape) to watch while she was on break at work. Well, apparently, the owner saw the tape being played and thought that the moves and outfit you were wearing were too provocative and he made my girlfriend turn off the tape immediately. I couldn't believe it, but it just goes to show that there are alot of people who find this type of dancing offensive and provocative. I don't find it offensive but it is a sexy dance and I can imagine it could bring out the sexual animal in men and possibly open the door to a few women being exploited.
I just think you have to be careful when you start to try and help other women when your audience contains a lot of men. I think men are getting a bad rap in this country and I thought this was the last place I was going to see more men bashing.
I personally liked the advanced videos better because the man would explain his own steps instead of looking like some robot moving around on the count of 123 567.
No queria molestarte pero solamente queria decirte mi opinon. Y no quiero ser tu
enamigo.
Chao
_________________________________________
... Hi, I saw your website and read the article on "Men in Salsa, Women
Beware", and thought you might be interested in my story....
It all started in October 1998 when I was 20 years old. A few months
before then I began some dance lessons with some friends (which included
a bit of salsa), and we decided to go along to the Annual Salsa Competition in October 1998. The competition was great, and I was
hooked and really wanted to learn more. At the end of the competition,
the venue turned into a kind of nightclub, and it was open to anyone and
everyone to join in and dance. I thought it might be fun to try out the
few steps I had learned to some real music, so I grabbed my sister and
we started dancing together, trying to remember our steps.
Two quite dark, good looking guys were standing close to us, watching us try to
dance, and asked us to dance with them instead. It turned out they were
brothers and were from Peru.
Juan, who I danced with, seemed to be a really nice guy, he could dance
well too, and I was a bit attracted to him. We danced together until it
was time for me to go home, and he then asked me to come along to this
latin club he was going to. I couldn't go, but over the next couple of
weeks, I got to thinking about the club.
About that time, one of the girls I had been at the competition with thought it might be fun to go
there, and so we went one Saturday night. We walked in to the awesome
sound of the latin band going full tilt on the bandstand, and masses of
people dancing salsa. I had sort of forgotten about Juan in the meantime but, funnily enough, he was there and spotted me from the other
side of the dance floor. He asked me to dance and I got that squiggly
feeling in my stomach because the attraction to him came back and I was
flattered he had remembered me.
At the time of this story I was 20 years old, and was involved in a very
strict religion. I had never had a boyfriend, and was not allowed to
get into a relationship with anyone outside of the religion. However,
over the next few months after that first time at the club, I wanted to
do more dancing and if Juan happened to be there one half of my mind
told me that it was great! The other half of me resisted being attracted to him, because I knew the what the consequences would be for
me if I got involved with him, but it was very hard.
He and I met up, with other friends too, at the club many times over the
next few months and got to know each other quite well. He told me he
didn't have a girlfriend and he would spend the whole night dancing with
me, showing me new moves, and needless to say my dancing improved out of
sight. He showed me off to all his friends and I really felt quite
special to him. Thinking about it now, I'm sure he could see I liked
him, and the fact that I was religious and hadn't had a boyfriend (if
you get the drift) made it a challenge for him. In my naivety I didn't
know any better.
Anyway, one night, after much persuasion by Juan, I gave in and let him
kiss me. Up until that point we had only danced and talked together. I
was smitten. I really thought I could have a relationship with him, and
wanted to get to know him more, but struggled with my religious upbringing and what the consequences would be if I got involved with
him. Knowing I would get into heaps of trouble if anyone found out, I
secretly arranged to meet up with him over the Christmas holidays. I
was housesitting at the time, and had no parents or anyone around to
check up on me. The whole "relationship" with Juan, if you could call
it that, had been my secret for several months. We did meet up over the
holidays and went to a few parties at his friend's place, and I grew
even more fond of him. It felt like we were going out together, even
though we weren't. Because of his obvious desire to "be" with me, and
my struggle with how much I liked him, one day after being alone in the
house together for a while, we slept together. It was my first time.
Needless to say, he wanted more and was enjoying our secret liaison. I
fell right off the rails, and wanted to leave my religion because of
him. I didn't love him, but (at the grand old age of 20 years) I knew
that without the pressures on me at that time, and with a little time, I
could fall in love with him. Anyway, my parents were pretty onto it and
figured out something was up, and after an interrogation I ended up
coming clean with them about what I had done. I was so embarrassed and
ashamed of myself, and got into severe trouble with the religious leaders and my parents. Reality came crashing back in. In January I
was made to end it with Juan, and though that was hard to do at the
time, it was just as well because I later found out he had a live-in
girlfriend and a baby son with her. The whole situation broke me completely, and from that point on my life deteriorated badly, resulting
in me being kicked out of home in the following March (about six months
after I met Juan).
The consequences for me were that I was kicked out of my home, kicked
out of my religion also, and my parents, sisters, and many friends (also
in the religion) are now not able to have anything to do with me. I had
no home to go to and had to rely on other people to help me out for a
while. I haven't really seen my family or friends or had a decent
conversation with any of them ever since. Now, it is almost four years
since that happened. I still have times when it's hard to deal with,
but for the most part I am fine now.
I don't entirely hold Juan responsible, because the choice to be with
him was mine, however, I could have said no. I do regret that he put so
much pressure on me when he know what my beliefs were though.
Anyway, though, aside from some momentary lapses of sadness about my
family and friends, I am quite alright now. The funny thing about all
these bad events, is that they have had a happy ending. About six
months after I was kicked out of home, I met another man. We are still
together, three and a half years later, and are very happy. If I hadn't
left the religion I would never have met him, and I'm so pleased that I
have. In that respect I have no regrets. And on top of all that, the
bad things that happened haven't diminished my passion for Salsa! I
became quite proficient while dancing with Juan and many others those
years ago, and though I don't have the opportunity to do a lot of dancing now, I thoroughly enjoy it when I do. In a few weeks now there
is another Annual Salsa Competition coming up, and I fully intend to go
and have a great time - no Latino man from my past is going to stop me
having a great time dancing! YAY I am quite looking forward to it! =)
So, there's my story Josie, I hope it hasn't been boring - I've just
typed it as I remembered things. I hope others can learn something from
it if you do post it on your website.
Thanks, and I love your site!
_________________________________________
As I read some of the
heart-breaking stories on your website, I would comment that this
seems to be the reality in the USA, but not in other countries as
well. For example, in Belfast that I am currently living and
practicing salsa, the situation in salsa community is different.
Most if not all of the female women are married, engaged, taken or
don't know what else, so their response to even the most innocent
proposal on behalf of a male dancer, to pair up, in order to work
together routines, and possibly go into competition is faced with
a typical blaze-type response "sorry, I am not so keen as you
are", or "i am very busy" etc. etc. Not all male salsa dancers are
criminals, cheaters, womanizers, sleep with women to score
etc.etc.There are some of them that are sincere, like to practice
salsa because they are keenly interested in dancing and they would
definately know how to treat a lady, especially a salsera, should
they happen to meet and date one through salsa...
I am currently single, and I started learning salsa not as a means
to get a date, but because I love to dance and to express my
feelings through my body moves. I wouldn't of course say no,
should a date would come up, so that I could combine love together
with practice...However, I currently dance with a couple of
salseras only, in the local community, all of them being taken in
one or the other way, because they are good dancers and I can try
many things with them on the dancing floor. While on the other
hand, I avoid to
dance or introduce myself to many other female dancers, many of
them being even more attractive from those I am dancing with, and
probably some of them being free, because I can't handle their
ineptness on the dancing floor, or willing to force them try
something, when the only thing that they seem to know is a body
lead and some nice buttock rocking....
Not all men are pigs and of course this applies to salseros as
well.
Sincerely
Nikos Kyriakidis (I am Greek)
Belfast, N.Ireland
____________________________________________
Hello,
I wanted to thank you for your article ‘Men in Salsa-
Women Beware!’ While reading it, I realized that these games were being played
on me- some of them almost word-for-word.
I am a Caucasian female, raised in a typical American
middle-class family. Recently, I moved to an area with a large Latino
population. I must admit, I thought (and still do think) that Hispanic guys
are very attractive. So, when I met a handsome guy from El Salvador, I was
smitten.
He presented himself as single, without any children,
and older than (I later found out) he actually was - I guess so I wouldn’t
think he was immature. He also dished out compliments like they were going out
of style: “You are gorgeous; you have the best body; beautiful eyes; great
personality; etc, etc.” Being an American, I wasn’t used to this constant
stream of flattery from men. It made me feel special and played on my vanity.
Anyway, I gave him my phone number and we began
talking twice a week or so. I enjoyed our conversations, and found him to be
very charming. He asked me multiple times to go out with him, but being that I
was already attached, I turned him down.
That’s when the offer of one-on-one Salsa lessons came
about (sound familiar?). However, he’d make up excuses why we couldn’t
practice at his place, even though he said that he lived alone. And, not
knowing him very well, I didn’t feel comfortable letting him into my home. So,
he came up with an idea’ He would pay for a hotel room for us to practice in.
That’s when the red flags went up. Why wouldn’t he let me come to his place?
Why would he be willing to pay $75 or more for a hotel room, just to teach me
how to dance?
Well, I’ll tell ya why. He eventually fessed up to
being ‘separated’ (which I didn’t really believe) and to having two children.
That most likely explained why we couldn’t go to his place’ unless he really
was separated from his wife, but lived with his parents and was too
embarrassed to tell me. And, about the hotel room’ That didn’t make a lot of
sense either. I mean, he could hire a prostitute for less than $75 if he just
wanted sex. I think maybe he wanted to brag to his friends, who had also hit
on me, that he spent the day with me in a hotel room. Even if we really were
just dancing, I’m sure he’d let his buddies draw their own conclusions about
what went on. Who knows, maybe they had a bet about who could ‘get me’ first.
To finish up here, I’m not naive. I know that most men
are nice to women to achieve the ultimate goal of having sex. I really don’t
blame them, because women want physical intimacy, also. I just don’t
appreciate the lying and games. Why not just be honest? A lot of women aren’t
looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with; they simply want to
have some fun. So, why don’t these men just tell it like it is? Maybe they are
insecure, and figure girls won’t like them for who they are? Maybe they think
all women are dumb, so they follow the typical formula of flattery and lies
that their muchachos have told them will get a girl into bed?
Once again, I’d like to thank you for your article. It
brought me back to reality. Even though subconsciously I knew better, I was
tentatively considering these private ‘dance lessons’. Seeing everything
spelled out, made me realize that I was just another score for this guy,
probably in a long line of many!
Sincerely,
Awakened
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